Below is the full article from that issue:

Like Japanese Girls? Then You Need This Book

By Rick Ambrosio


There I was again, outside my apartment, in the car with Hitomi. Again, at this awkward moment where we both fidget and she puts the Toni Braxton CD in. This is, of course, over a year ago, back in Japan. Even after living in Japan for a year and a half, I still had moments like this; social impasses as I liked to call them.

We both didn’t know what to say, or what to do. Well, in reality, I didn’t know what to say or do. This was before I understood what “nan demo ii” really meant, before I could fully understand all the silent cues. This was before I read David J. Radtke’s Understanding Japanese Women.

I know, I know, you’re thinking, “oh no, not another pick-up line book. Not another cheesy how-to.” It’s what I feared before I started reading it, too. However, I was delightfully surprised that the e-book was instead full of very useful tips for interacting with Japanese women. No pick-ups or tricks, just a lot of hard-won information from a lot of trial and error. Also, the mystifying question, “why do I see so many attractive Japanese girls with super-dorky Western guys?” was finally answered!

Radtke graduated from Detroit’s Wayne State University in 1995 and was a JET in Shiga prefecture from 1995-98. While there, like many other JET males before and after him, he did some dating and eventually settled down, married and had two genki kids. After a few years of marriage, he began a Web site for other foreigners trying to understand Japanese women. It was here that he began doling out the wisdom he and others had gained from years of dating and marriage to help Westerners dealing with the confusion and frustration that one often encounters when dating women from another culture.

“In the beginning there were only about 15 articles, and yet I began to receive e-mails from quite a few Western men, and even some Japanese women, about the content,” David said. “Each e-mail contained a battery of questions that the Web site had yet to cover. Many of the same questions kept popping up, but questions about problems that I had yet to experience were also included.” Thus began David’s research.

Using Craigslist to swap questions from men across the globe and conducting interviews with Japanese men and women of all ages and stations, David began to piece together the main cultural roadblocks that existed not only for many Western men dating Japanese women, but also the issues and viewpoints of Japanese men as well. “The more I talked with Japanese people, the more I found the same answers popping up,” David said. “There was consistency. There was stability in the advice they gave me. And that was what I wanted—solid, reliable advice to solve the problems Western men were having in relationships with Japanese women.”

The book tackles an assortment of issues from multiple angles, one of which I found interesting was confidence. This section of the book contained some guidance I felt would be found in other advice books; how to gain confidence and why it’s important. Unlike other books, he then builds upon that by helping us understand the concept of confidence through the Japanese lens, and how it’s displayed and perceived by Japanese men and women. It’s these cultural insights from the book that are invaluable, and frankly, I wish I had known about before I went to Japan. The e-book takes situations that have left many a Western man furrowing their brow, breaks it down, explains the cultural significance from both the male and female perspective, and then suggests a thought-out way to deal with the situation.

David isn’t done, though. “Right now I’m doing the research for a second book on relationships with Japanese women [provisionally] called “UJW – Marriage and Beyond.” His next e-book will cover the adjustments one needs to make when in an interracial marriage, from dealing with communication issues and raising bilingual children to in-laws and divorce. Maybe it’s too late for me since I’m back from Japan now, and those awkward silences in the parking lot with Hitomi are long gone, but Understanding Japanese Women gave me some nostalgic flashbacks as well as a bunch of “ohh, so that’s why!” moments. The e-book puts into writing many abstract concepts I tried explaining to my Western friends in America about dating in Japan. Many embarrassing situations could have been easier navigated had I read the book years ago. If I were in charge of JET I’d think about make it a required reading for single male JETs. It would certainly ease grassroots international relations and allow clearer perceptions of each other’s culture.

I bet you’re still wondering, “What about the geeky guys and the cute girls!?” Well, I suppose I could tell you, but I figure you’ll just have to read the book to find out. (I can’t spoil everything!) As for me, armed with all this new and useful information, it’s about time I give Hikki Utada another call.

(Click here to download the issue for yourself.)

Sounds normal wouldn’t you say?

But in contrast, Japanese dating couples often sit in semi-silence while eating, only to enter into lively conversation once the meal has ended. (Please keep in mind that this generalization of Japanese dating culture refers to couples and not a huge party of drunken office workers out for a night on the town.)

Here’s a tid-bit about the Philippines:
A man should not visit his girlfriend’s relatives if he does not want the relationship to be viewed as a serious one.

Again, Japanese culture is different. Meeting the relatives doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is a serious “we’re thinking about getting married” one.

So what’s my point in all of this?

Simple.

In order to have a successful, loving relationship with a Japanese woman, you must understand Japanese culture — especially during the first few dates. It is during this time that cultural blunders will go unnoticed as “cultural blunders.” Instead they will be taken as a lack of tact, a lack of good manners, a lack of common sense, or all three.

(The above two comparisons between Japan and China and Japan and the Philippines should make the point glaringly obvious.)

And the biggest point of all is this: that Japanese culture is VASTLY different than Western cultures. It’s true that Asian cultures have some similarities. But when you compare Japan and the West, the similarities are few and far between.

“My Japanese wife and I have been having problems recently. Your book is helping me realize that not all of the problems are made by me!”

Whether you have a Japanese wife or a Japanese girlfriend, there will come a time when problems will arise. And when they do, it is almost inevitable that you, the man, will get the blame.

While it is true in inter-racial relationships that the man does make a fair share of the mistakes, the feminine “other half” makes just as many (they just refuse to admit it.) During these times of relationship strife, it is important to face the problem not as the “accused” nor as the “accuser” but from the “diplomatic” position.

Honestly look at the problem and gather as much cultural information as possible. With a broader understanding of the culture behind the problem, you can then decide whether or not you really are at fault, your Japanese wife (or Japanese girlfriend) is at fault, or the culture differences are at fault.

Now here’s the main point: If the problem was caused by cultural differences then DON’T blame each other!

My marriage to my Japanese wife has survived so many storms because we were able to discover that the root of our problems were simple misunderstandings about each other’s culture. With that knowledge we could stop blaming each other and work out the differences.

Understanding Japanese culture DOES matter!
There, I got it off my chest.

You see, the e-mail I received talked about how your Japanese girlfriend should love you for who you are, which includes loving everything about your own culture. Now boys, yes it is true that she should love you for who you are… but just where does a large part of your personality come from? The answer: your culture. And following this line of thinking: where does a large part of your Japanese girlfriend’s personality come from? The answer: Japanese culture!

The more you understand Japanese culture the more you will understand your Japanese girlfriend!

Likewise, your Japanese girlfriend should try to learn more about your own culture so she can understand you better. (Give and take is a sweet thing.)

Also, if a Japanese woman should love you for who you are, does that mean you should NOT try to act in a more Japanese way to make her feel more comfortable around you?

Of course not!

Even if you were dating a woman from your own country you would try to do certain things (related to her personality) to make her feel comfortable around you. You wouldn’t completely change your personality for her, but you would try to slightly adjust your actions in a way that brings the two of you closer together. (Be honest, guys. We DO adjust ourselves to a certain degree to win the heart of that beautiful woman.)

Understanding Japanese culture IS important for a strong and loving relationship. Sometimes acting a little more Japanese to help your Japanese girlfriend feel comfortable IS important (because mature relationships are about give and take.) And if you think that you don’t need to do a damn thing in a relationship to make it work then be prepared for hard times ahead.

End of rant.

It is important to show your love to your Japanese girlfriend, but it’s a completely different thing to smother her to the point of disgusting her. Sure, she may be the most gorgeous woman you have ever seen (as many Japanese women are ) and you may feel emotions that you have never felt before, but very careful just how much “love” you show her.

For some men this isn’t a problem: they can keep cool and calm during even the most loving and passionate relationships. But some men (even men who think they are strong now) crumble and degrade into babbling, love-sick wimps. It’s this kind of love-sick, spineless jellyfish of a man that will actually turn off your Japanese girlfriend and cause her to look for more “masculine” pastures.

Some examples of “overdoing” with your Japanese girlfriend include:

• Saying “I love you” in an almost constant stream throughout the day.
• Asking your Japanese girlfriend to constantly to say “I love you” to you.
• Contacting her too much.
• E-mailing her continuously with messages like “What are you doing now?”
• Wanting too be touchy-feely in situations where she obviously doesn’t want to be

I’m reminded of a song by the 1970’s band, 38 Special (Yes, I’m that old.) I know, this reference is a little cheesy, but it really hits the nail on the head. Here are the lyrics:

You see it all around you
Good lovin’ gone bad
And usually it’s too late when you, realize what you had
And my mind goes back to a girl I left some years ago,
Who told me,
Just Hold On Loosely, but don’t let go
If you cling to tightly,
you’re gonna lose control
Your baby needs someone to believe in
And a whole lot of space to breathe in

It’s so damn easy, when your feelings are such
To overprotect her, to love her too much
And my mind goes back to a girl I left some years ago
Who told me,
Just Hold On Loosely, but don’t let go
If you cling too tight babe,
you’re gonna loose control
Your baby needs someone to believe in
And a whole lot of space to breathe in

Don’t let her slip away
Sentimental fool
Don’t let your heart get in her way

Japanese women are mysterious in more than just outward appearances – they have a deep, inner mystery called culture that makes building successful relationships with them a challenge to anyone lacking the knowledge of the Japanese dating and relationship customs.

Contrary to what many men believe, all women world-wide do not act exactly the same way in romantic relationships. What may be correct behaviour for a Western woman to do in a relationship could possibly be rude, embarrassing, or both to a Japanese woman. What may be considered an extremely loving gesture a Japanese girlfriend gives to her man may offer absolutely no feelings of love and affection to the man from his cultural point of view.

This is the reason for the creation of Japan Dating Tips and the e-book Understanding Japanese Women: to help men all over the world get the much needed advice and cultural tips to help them succeed with making a Japanese woman into a Japanese girlfriend, improving their relationship with a current Japanese girlfriend, and even smoothing out the bumps men encounter with a Japanese wife.

I was sitting down in my favorite cafe where I taught most of my private English students. Across from me sat my new student — a 43 year-old Japanese woman who had lived in America for over 13 years.

I was excited to get this student, not because she was a “Japanese woman among Japanese women,” but because at first listen her English appeared to be almost spot-on perfect. As we talked, I could tell that her English proficiency was just the surface of her abilities. Her gestures, facial expressions, posture, and even how she walked told me that she really had absorbed so much more than just the English language.

The more we talked the more I let down my well-practiced Japanese face and began to let my normal, natural American side show through. I was having a great time. She was having a great time. Everything seemed to be going well…

Then I saw the “flash.”

Was it my imagination? Did I really see the Japanese “flash”? That ever-so-subtle flash of emotion that Japanese people do when they are trying to suppress a negative reaction, a touch of annoyance, or some other emotion that they prefer not to let the listener know about?

Nah. Couldn’t be. She was acting just so… American. But a minute later, there it was again. And a minute later, again.

I had to confirm my suspicions. So I slipped on my “Japanese face” — refraining from topics that are too personal, speaking politely, and even adjusting my gestures and facial expressions to a more Japanese way.

The “flashing” stopped.

I was amazed just how American this Japanese woman had acted, yet buried deep below the surface, she still was Japanese — through and through.

Which just goes to show you:
“You can take the girl out of the country,
but you can’t take the country out of the girl.”

• Is simply being attracted to Japanese women considered yellow fever?
• What I believe REAL yellow fever is.

The “yellow fever” we’re talking about isn’t the disease from South America and Africa, it’s the fetish some men have with dating ONLY Japanese (or any Asian) women.

The term carries with it some very nasty implications that a man who has “contracted” yellow fever is somehow a… well… perverted psycho deviant (or something similar.) He degrades Japanese women, looks down on them, and treats them not as human beings but rather as objects.

With that definition in hand, let’s get to the meat of the discussion…

Don’t confuse “selection” with “sickness”

Preferences abound in our “boy-meets-girl” world. Some men prefer blonds. Some men prefer women with darker shades of skin tone. Some men prefer women with a very pronounced hour-glass figure. And still others prefer women with little or no figure at all.

The key here is the word prefer.

If you feel more attracted to Asian faces, their skin tone, or even their body type, then it is your natural preference. It’s the same as saying that you prefer blond women, women with darker skin, etc. You may someday marry a blond woman or you may not. Just like you may someday marry an Asian woman or you may not.

Women also have their own preferences. Some women prefer taller men. Some women prefer men with hairy chests. Some women prefer darker-skinned Latino or Italian men. Again, they may someday marry a man that perfectly matches their preferences or they may not.

Simply being attracted to Japanese women is not yellow fever because it comes from your deep, sub-conscience preferences about the opposite sex. It’s not degrading toward Japanese women in the least. It is more of an appreciation of the special beauty and qualities that are unique to them.

So what really is yellow fever?

In my opinion, anyone who seeks out Japanese women for the sole purpose of sex and sex alone is guilty – without a shadow of a doubt – of yellow fever. These men aren’t respecting Japanese women as human beings, but rather as objects to be conquered in the bedroom. They aren’t looking to build loving and caring relationships that take into account the Japanese woman’s feelings. Instead, they blatantly ignore, and only hope to score.

That IS degrading.

You may have even seen some websites, forums, or blogs run by those kinds of men; sites with laughably ridiculous “secrets” on how to quickly get Japanese women into bed. I not only feel sorry them and their lopsided ways of thinking, but also for anyone who falls prey to their obviously hyped-up preaching.

Also, anyone who claims to have bedded any large number of Japanese women is not only promoting “yellow fever”, but also has some deep mental issues that I believe only a therapist can uncover and possibly undo. I feel extremely sorry for the future wives of these men, for they don’t know what kind of shallow man they are actually getting.

The Test

So, do you have yellow fever? The only question you need to ask yourself is this:

Am I attracted to Japanese women for their looks, their culture, and/or their personality type and desire a loving and caring relationship with one, or am I only after Japanese women for the sole purpose of “conquering” as many as possible?

Let that question be the litmus test by which you judge yourself and others as well.

Maybe you’re one of them. Unfortunately, this behavior is far from being healthy.

If there is one thing that is common to almost all women it is this: when a woman no longer wants a man, there is very little that he can do to change her mind. There are, of course, a few techniques that one can use to help increase the odds of either winning her heart or winning her back (the eBook “Influence Attraction” that comes free with the Understanding Japanese Women eBook package lists the most effective techniques,) but there will come a time when even the best techniques won’t break the solid walls of a woman’s determination.

What should one do?

As cliche as the expression “There are many fish in the sea” is, it is true – and something that all men need to keep in the forefront of their minds as they maneuver through the rough waters of the dating ocean.

Even when your heart moans with the melodramatic pain of “I’ll never love again,” always remember that you WILL love again (and be loved.) And the next time just might be with someone far better that the woman you currently pine for.

“What kind of men are Japanese women attracted to?”

There were quite a few replies, but one of them stood out above the rest:

“All you have to be is a man from the West!”

While it is true that just being a Western man is often enough to get dates with Japanese women, there is a vital point being over-looked — and that point is longevity.

It’s usually true that opposites attract, and the mysterious unknown is often even more attractive. But “attraction” and “compatibility” are completely unrelated and do not go hand-in-hand. It is compatibility that really keeps a relationship strong and healthy for longer than just a few quick dates. And while many people believe that compatibility simply means “having the same hobbies and interests” — it actually does not.

Some may say that it’s the similarities that two people have in common that keeps the relationship strong — and it is true in many ways. But just as important is our expectations:

• We expect our partner to act in a certain way
• We expect our partner to respond to us in a certain way
• We expect our partner to understand us

Unfortunately, most of these expectations are lost when we date someone from a different country and culture:

• What we expect our partner to do never happens
• What we expect our partner to say is never said
• What we expect our partner to understand is never understood

Because I’ve witnessed too many interracial couples here in Japan break up due to the lack of cross-cultural understanding, I had to do something. I needed to find a way to help. My solution was to write Understanding Japanese Women. At least this way I could help one side of the equation — the man’s side — bridge the cultural gap.

So, while it may be true that just being a Western man is enough to attract Japanese women, please keep in mind that your relationship will go nowhere without a deeper understanding of the differences in culture.